Things I have Learned (Tongue Planted Firmly in Cheek)

I’ve been quite fortunate in that I’ve managed to travel and see a lot of this wonderful planet most of us proudly call home. And in that time, I have learned some valuable and not-so-valuable things. And the fact I managed to say that with a straight face even though I know none of you can see me right now makes me very happy. And because I’m sitting in the office on Sunday morning (the start of the Dubai work week), I figured we could all use a little laugh with me.

Zippers are not penis friendly. Especially in winter. Extra especially when you are drunk. Now, I haven’t had my own Ben Stiller moment in There’s Something About Mary when he manages to zip his “frank and beans” in his prom suit. He even managed to get a bean above the frank, rather freakishly and hilariously shown for us in the movie. Your life does flash before your eyes when you feel that first pinch of tender skin between the angry and cold teeth of your zipper. The next thing you do is hark back to the time your zipper got caught on your jacket, the teeth grabbing extra material like a fat kid grabs an extra cookie. You try to gingerly lower the zipper to free the twisted and probably torn material. That doesn’t work. You try to tenderly raise the zipper to free the damaged material. That doesn’t work either. Nope, the only thing you can do is pull on it as hard as you can and hope it tears away from the twisted teeth.

The tear away quickly method may be the method of choice when you’re trying to remove a band-aid from an area of your body with hair, but the tear away method when your zipper has a tighter grip on your tallywacker than that prostitute in Poland did is not my idea of a solution. I’d rather put a million dollars down on me to win the Indy 500 riding a red Schwin bicycle than risk singing soprano the rest of my life.

Laser pointers are to cats what boobs are to men. Seriously, there is no other way to explain it. You show a cat a laser pointer and they forget everything else. I’m pretty sure a lion would stop chasing a gazelle if a zebra or other gazelle found a laser pointer and started flashing it all over the bushveld. A man is just as focused when a girl with a great set of knockers walks by. He forgets his name. He can clean the floor with his tongue. He’ll forget that he is out for dinner with his wife celebrating their anniversary. Boobs – rendering man inept and hard at the same time for centuries.

There are only two ways you can take a conversation after stating you’d “like to spend the evening tonguing your hoop.” One of them is straight to the bedroom. The other is straight to the hospital to have your jaw wired shut. 

Asking for directions is not a sign of weakness – squealing like a 4 year old girl at a Barney concert when your wife hits you when you get lost and subsequently are late for your appointment is. 

Sometimes “no” doesn’t mean “no”. Sometimes it means, “Not if you were the last person on earth and the choice was you or having my insides gnawed on by millipedes.” Buy her a couple of drinks and ask her again later. If that doesn’t work, wait until the bar is closing and find the only other person still there who’s not employed by the bar. 

The panties worn by the stripper you saw the night before do not make a good Valentine’s Day gift for your wife, your girlfriend, or your grandmother. They may have sparkles and be the right size, it’s just not right. Letting them know you have perfected removing them with your teeth won’t help your cause either. 

No matter how much your girlfriend reminds you of your mother, telling her just after you roll off her after sex is not the best idea in the world. If this needs an explanation, I’ll stop by your trailer park later. 

If your belt and shoes match, someone will always assume you are gay. Humming a few bars from South Pacific won’t help your cred either. 

Line dancing was invented so ugly people could have fun at the bar.

Johnny Depp will always be the most famous pirate in the world. He’ll also be the most famous chocolatier, the most famous barber, and the most famous whatever it is he decides to play next. Such is life. Deal with it. 

When a girl says size doesn’t matter she’s referring to the length of your fingernails, and only your fingernails. 

Staring at people with low-rise jeans from behind is, apparently, not a crack addiction. 

Grease is the word. Have you heard? 

Somehow, jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch, blabbing on about a foolish cult religion, and generally being a proper twat, still earns you millions of dollars in Hollywood. At least he hasn’t decided to write a book yet. 

If you are named after a city, state, or country, ask your parents where they were having sex roughly 9 months before you were born. Five bucks says I know the answer. 

These aren’t all the lessons I have learned, but a few of the most important ones. Do make sure you share them with others so they don’t share the same misfortunes I and others have had.

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