Since I was boasting yesterday about a blog I once wrote on steak, I have found it. Enjoy. Or not.
I believe that this date in history will go down as the day that the Penguin wasted 10 minutes of your time talking about steaks. Of course, you could just sign off now, leave a comment like, “I love steak”, and I’d never know the difference. Unless of course I put in a not-so-secret code in this blog that I will expect to see answered in each one of your replies that let’s me know that you either read my blog or just copied the answer off the first person that responded. But I won’t do that. We work on the honor system here. I am honored that you stop by and read my blog. And with the heavy burden of honor hanging over us, I will now proceed with the following advertisement for cow products.
I like steak. No, check that. I like meat. I love steak. Man was born to eat meat. From the beginning of time when women would be out picking roots and berries and doing all the tasks men found too simple but really just didn’t want to do because we can get lost going to the bathroom in our own house, and men were out hunting dinosaurs because it seemed like a good idea at the time, we have been carnivores. Eating meat is not an option. Eating meat is a way of life that has been ingrained into us since we were chasing each other around with clubs. If it was good enough for us when we were simple it should still be good for us.
While I can’t deny the right for you to choose your favorite piece of the cow you prefer to munch on, and I can’t deny you the right to choose how you want the said piece of mammal cooked, I can tell you how I like it and therefore how you should like it. I’m not saying I’m better than you are; I’m just saying my way of eating cow products is better than yours.
First off, it should be a nice thick sirloin steak. The meat should be sufficiently marbled, aged 28-days, and if served by a buxom beauty, that’s even better. Anything less than 9 ounces of beef is classified as a snack and should be accompanied by one other choice of meat – preferably a lobster tail, some crab legs, a steaming skillet of Cajun prawns, or maybe another steak. Ladies, I will cut you a little slack on this and limit your portion to 6 ounces to count as a full portion meal. I know I’m in a giving mood today. You will get bonus points if you couple your steak with something else as well. And if you can’t eat it, I will for you.
The vegetables and potato of your choice that accompany your steak should be treated the way they deserve – as afterthoughts to the real centerpiece of the meal. Let’s face it my friends, this is about the steak. Broccoli will never be a meal. Broccoli was, is, and forever will be a side dish. I like broccoli, but I can’t envision the day that I settle into a heaping big slab of broccoli and have my mouth water in anticipation. Likewise for carrots, cabbage, cauliflower, zucchini, squash, and peppers of varying colors and hotness. A carrot makes a good snack or a toy for people with a food fetish. Unless your name is Peter Cottontail it should not be your dinner.
Right, back to the steak.
The preferred way to eat your steak is medium rare to medium at most. Any piece of beef cooked more than this is a waste. Dad, I know you like your steaks very well done, but that is because you are mental. I don’t know how you chew them with your old jaws and false teeth. But, really, mine is not to judge. When you cut into your steak for the first time, you should hear a gentle “moo” escape its bloody carcass and that should give you great pleasure. This piece of beef, this former cow, died knowing that you would indeed enjoy the fruits of his laborious days eating and mulching grass. He would be pleased knowing you are wearing shoes made from his little sister who’s hide was just a bit more refined than his. He would be proud knowing his Uncle Porterhouse is now being used by a shortstop for the New York Yankees. And please don’t ask him to relate the joy he felt when Aunt Mignon appeared with zippers all over her in a Michael Jackson video. She did look cool didn’t she?
When your steak arrives at your table, it should be wading in a small puddle of red liquid. This red liquid should cover only the bottom of your plate, tantalizing the potato, and soaking the few vegetables you will be permitted to eat, with the unmistakable tang of carnage. While blood smeared florets of broccoli are still just florets of broccoli, they don’t look quite so pretty and are therefore vaulted up the food chain. They still don’t replace anything that constitutes a real meal, but their man points have gone up.
A steak cooked to perfection will just about melt in your mouth. The first time this bloodied hunk of flesh hits your tongue should send fireworks off in your mouth. Some people have been known to stir in other regions; but that is just weird. It’s a steak damnit, not a woman. The perfect steak needs no dressing up to make it presentable. It does not need make-up in the morning or a fancy haircut in the evening. A good steak, therefore, should never ever be smothered with gravy when served. If you order prime rib, you may be allowed to dip said piece of beef into the little pot of Au Jus that accompanies the beast like his loyal sidekick who doesn’t have any of his own friends and needs to “subject” himself to playing second fiddle his whole life. But that was his choice and not yours. Do not feel sorry for him.
Gravy on your steak is akin to putting a string bikini on George W Bush. It is just not something entirely appetizing. Think of your steak as your favorite pinup of all time and treat that steak correctly. It is fine to put a little rub to spice it up. Make sure you massage that rub in good and close, letting the warmth of the spices ooze into the natural pores to give it a better aroma and flavor when you finally get to reap the rewards. A small smattering of BBQ sauce is acceptable when you are cooking on a BBQ. A good restaurant cooking a better than average steak will not put BBQ sauce on your steak for you; and they shouldn’t need to. They will add some spices and seasoning, sealing them in with the heat of the open flame, and that will be good enough. Some loser invented steak sauce because an even bigger loser couldn’t cook the steak properly and therefore the lesser of the two losers had to invent something to numb the taste of a battered carcass that had been battered some more. And for the love of all things bovine, don’t let your steak bathe in anything that the cow can’t secrete himself. This includes beer, and Worcestershire Sauce. These are unacceptable variants to plasma. The cow died for you; let him have his due.
Remember, the great nation that you are living in was founded on red meat and carnage. Don’t try to change the course of history by turning to fruits and vegetables. Fruits and vegetables have their place in the food hierarchy, and they are not at the forefront. Unless Natalie Portman is holding a bowl of grapes and is offering to feed them to me. I’d pass up a steak for that. I guess I’m not as over her as I thought. Meat is not murder. Meat is good. Meat on the table means there is one less cow creating greenhouse gas emissions and less space so we can get more people cramped onto this rock of ours to really give us something to worry about other than eating too much red meat. So eat meat and don’t worry about it. Until that day comes when we sit down with the cows and strike a deal where we won’t eat them and they won’t make it quite so easy to tip them, beef is the food of choice until I say otherwise. Besides, don’t you think carrots are smarter than cows?