Helping you Survive Hump Day

It’s Wednesday, so that means it’s time for me to help you celebrate hump day in the workweek by taking things down a few notches and try and make you laugh at least once. If I can do that, well, donations are always accepted. I have plenty of travel plans to fulfil you know.

I’m almost 43 now; but I don’t look it or act it. Well, I do have a couple more grey hairs than I once did but I still get told I don’t look a day over 32 tops. I like that. And I pretty much act my shoe size. I wear a size 10, which is pretty much my maturity level. So, armed with some back story about me, you will understand that I am the perfect person to write this article.

You see, I am pretty much an uber-hot, dead sexy, brilliant communicating Peter Pan. I am refusing to grow up (although I know when I have to be mature), and as such, I feel confident that you will appreciate my list of things you have to do before you cave in and finally admit that you have grown completely and utterly, devastatingly, and depressingly, up!

Buckle up, because here we go.

Sit in a parked car near a busy road and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. For added effect, wear some oversized Aviator sunglasses and have a take-away coffee on the dashboard.

Enter an elevator and stand facing the back wall. If you want to be really daring try muttering to yourself as well. You’ll never know who you’ll meet this way; but odds are they’ll be slightly less put together than a certain nuclear power plant in Chernobyl.

Make up a family member. Spend many dinners convincing your mother that this family member does exist. When you find out nearly 20 years later that the family member does exist, try everything in your power not to believe you have a gift. Don’t ask.

Try a really cheesy pick-up line on someone. Some suggestions are:

    • If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together.
    •  Nice tits, can I feel them?
    •  Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
    •  Is your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
    •  You be the tree and I’ll wrap you like a Koala.
    •  I lost my teddy Bear, can I sleep with you?

In the memo field of all your cheques, write “for shits and giggles”. Seriously, that sounds pretty fun doesn’t it?

Walk in to a post office, and with a straight face approach the counter and say, “how much would it be to post haste?” When they stare at you perplexed, ask how much it would cost by air.

Go to the courtesy desk at a shopping mall and ask them to page you. Walk away for a minute and return saying, “Hi, I’m ?????? did you just page me?”

Adopt a pet bug and name him Fred. Write a diary about the wonderful adventures you go on.

On a crowded bus or train, grab the overhead handrail and start squealing like a monkey. Scratch your head, thump your chest, hop up and down. You won’t be so crowded anymore.

Ten would be too predictable and I’m anything but predictable.

Start with these ones, and we’ll go from there. Now, be careful. Excessive silliness will lead you to longer life and better health. I’d hate to be responsible for that.

Nope, changed my mind.  I’ll leave you with a couple of more for your enjoyment.

If you have children, at the dinner table one night tell them that “because of the recession you’re going to have to let one of them go.”

Order a diet water at the restaurant or specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

The next time you buy condoms ask the girl or boy at the check-out if he or she has plans later.

And now I am done. Have a great day.

Cheers,

Ger

22 thoughts on “Helping you Survive Hump Day

  1. I am going to try the elevator idea. Maybe I can get my sister to secretly video it! The “nice tits” comment will get you hit where I live. I don’t recommend it unless you can duck quickly.

    Thanks for making me laugh when I need to be sleeping! 🙂

    • I wouldn’t use that one, Anna. Even though my reflexes are still pretty good.
      And you should try the elevator one.

  2. He he he…how much would it be to ‘post haste’…and please tell me you have not bought condoms and asked the girl if she has plans later lololol. No such thing as excessive silliness. Ever.

    • If I plead the 5th does that make me guilty by not saying anything?
      Honestly, I can’t remember ever saying that. But I do have selective memory. I can remember saying, back in my early 20s, “that’s right, I’m getting laid this weekend and you’re not!” I don’t think the male cashier was too amused by my arrogance.

  3. I should have known better to not read this in the middle of an official conference call. They didn’t know why I was laughing when they were seriously discussing some performance issue. There goes my bonus.
    How many of these have you tried ? And you really really get results from those pick up lines ? Just like Anna said you cannot use some of those out here. Definitely will be mob lynched. But I did like the third and fourth one though. (are they original ?)
    Hair dryer thing wont work here. People don’t even stop even if they are actually speeding. It is upto the traffic cops to chase and catch them if the traffic allows for it.

    • Sorry to ruin your bonus for you. My bad. In future, do not read my blog while doing official work business.
      I have not used those lines; especially the one about the boobs. That’s just a little too rude for me. While I’m no saint, there are other ways of saying something like that.
      There are whole websites devoted to bad pick-up lines. I could have listed about 1000 of them if I wanted.

      • Just messing. Its nice to lighten the mood up during those too uptight office calls occasionally though. And I am used to do these kind of things.
        Good I am in a place where these kind of cheesy lines doesn’t work much (at least I hope so) The only response even before I think of anything else would be to laugh out really loud.

      • If you laugh out really loud, the lines have worked. You know they are meant to be funny and by laughing, they have given him a chance to talk to you about just how stupid the lines are.

      • What good will that do to him, if I deck him or ignore and walk away after laughing. I sometimes don’t understand these things at all.
        Your post did serve its purpose today perfectly.

  4. Awesome, this has got my hump day off to a fabulous start. The bad pick-up lines are great. I am actually inclined to give a chap a chance if he has the balls to deliver a terrible line sincerely. The best (worst) one I ever had was “I have a weird taste in my mouth, do you think you can work out what it is?” True story.

    • That is actually a pretty good line. After a bit of a conversation with a girl once I said something a bit risky, and she smiled and asked why I took it to that level, so I responded, “I was just seeing if you were more of a gin and platonic kind of girl or a scotch and sofa one.” She bought me drinks all night.
      As a youngster I used to just say, “this face leaves in 5 minutes, be on it.” Never worked though. Who knew?

      • The first line is actually pretty good and, I am rather ashamed to say, I would probably go for that. The second one – not so much but it would make me laugh. And that’s half the battle!

      • It’s all in the delivery. lol.
        The boldest line I heard said to me, by a girl I might add, “we should just kiss now so it won’t be awkward later.”

      • It wasn’t trademarked or registered in any way. Public domain rules apply. lol

  5. Lol…these lines… ‘we should just kiss now so it won’t be awkward later…” nice ha ha. The rest are cheese if actually done seriously – if they are intended to make a girl laugh though and the man is confident and can keep the conversation going…awesome. Best lines are direct and to the point as far as I’m concerned…”I find you very attractive…are you single?”… But no no no to the “tits” line…

    • I wouldn’t actually use the “tits” line. I’m not that much of a cretin. Well, I hope I’m not. And it’s all about the delivery.

  6. The self-admitted Peter Pan alignment… brilliant. And cause for pause. 🙂

    Smiling at nearly all of these but I have a special place in my heart (I think that’s where it is) for the condom sales clerk. When in high school I worked at a local pharmacy. I was the one who got to ask probing questions for the oft-blushing consumer. Thanks for rekindling thoughts from a former life.

    And to the above comment, you sure cretin doesn’t fit? 🙂

    • Okay, fine. Cretin fits. Thanks for rubbing it in. lol.
      I used to work in a convenience store and would get people coming in from the bar at 2 am frantically looking for condoms. Plan ahead man!!

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