It’s Wednesday, so that means it’s time for me to help you celebrate hump day in the workweek by taking things down a few notches and try and make you laugh at least once. If I can do that, well, donations are always accepted. I have plenty of travel plans to fulfil you know.
I’m almost 43 now; but I don’t look it or act it. Well, I do have a couple more grey hairs than I once did but I still get told I don’t look a day over 32 tops. I like that. And I pretty much act my shoe size. I wear a size 10, which is pretty much my maturity level. So, armed with some back story about me, you will understand that I am the perfect person to write this article.
You see, I am pretty much an uber-hot, dead sexy, brilliant communicating Peter Pan. I am refusing to grow up (although I know when I have to be mature), and as such, I feel confident that you will appreciate my list of things you have to do before you cave in and finally admit that you have grown completely and utterly, devastatingly, and depressingly, up!
Buckle up, because here we go.
Sit in a parked car near a busy road and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. For added effect, wear some oversized Aviator sunglasses and have a take-away coffee on the dashboard.
Enter an elevator and stand facing the back wall. If you want to be really daring try muttering to yourself as well. You’ll never know who you’ll meet this way; but odds are they’ll be slightly less put together than a certain nuclear power plant in Chernobyl.
Make up a family member. Spend many dinners convincing your mother that this family member does exist. When you find out nearly 20 years later that the family member does exist, try everything in your power not to believe you have a gift. Don’t ask.
Try a really cheesy pick-up line on someone. Some suggestions are:
- If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together.
- Nice tits, can I feel them?
- Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
- Is your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
- You be the tree and I’ll wrap you like a Koala.
- I lost my teddy Bear, can I sleep with you?
In the memo field of all your cheques, write “for shits and giggles”. Seriously, that sounds pretty fun doesn’t it?
Walk in to a post office, and with a straight face approach the counter and say, “how much would it be to post haste?” When they stare at you perplexed, ask how much it would cost by air.
Go to the courtesy desk at a shopping mall and ask them to page you. Walk away for a minute and return saying, “Hi, I’m ?????? did you just page me?”
Adopt a pet bug and name him Fred. Write a diary about the wonderful adventures you go on.
On a crowded bus or train, grab the overhead handrail and start squealing like a monkey. Scratch your head, thump your chest, hop up and down. You won’t be so crowded anymore.
Ten would be too predictable and I’m anything but predictable.
Start with these ones, and we’ll go from there. Now, be careful. Excessive silliness will lead you to longer life and better health. I’d hate to be responsible for that.
Nope, changed my mind. I’ll leave you with a couple of more for your enjoyment.
If you have children, at the dinner table one night tell them that “because of the recession you’re going to have to let one of them go.”
Order a diet water at the restaurant or specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
The next time you buy condoms ask the girl or boy at the check-out if he or she has plans later.
And now I am done. Have a great day.