A Very Important Letter

As you know, I’m heading off on vacation soon (don’t you hate asshats who keep saying they’re going on vacation?), so I need to get something done now. The mail system here, if it is not sent via UPS or anything like that, can be quite tedious. It will get here, but only if the address is written 110% correctly. And then it could take months. So, seeing as though we’re nearly done the 7th month of the year, I’ve got to send my letter to Santa off early. And via my parents!

Dear Mom and Dad, 

I hope this letter finds you happy and healthy, and relatively calm and relaxed after a hectic beginning to the month. You two will be gearing up for another Heritage Days long weekend, only a couple of weeks away now, so I thought I would send this early to you this year. As you know that while my personal mail here will arrive and depart, it may take weeks or even months for me to see it. That’s why I knew I could count on you to forward this on for me. I’ll be sure to put in a good word to the big man up North for you both. 

By the way, thanks for doing this for me. I could always count on you mom and dad. 

Dear S Claus, 

Sorry about having to send this via my parents but it’s all I can do at the moment. I currently live in Dubai and all post is checked and re-checked and then re-checked again. And when I say checked, I mean opened. And when I mean opened, I mean spread wider than a Thai prostitute when Charlie Sheen’s in town. Do you like the show Two and a Half Men? It is funny isn’t it? The fat kid kills me. Sorry about that. I guess I’m not starting this off very well am I? I have been good this year though. 

Anyway, since they check all the mail I had to send this to my parents first. Since Christmas isn’t really celebrated over here, there is no way you exist, and if you don’t exist, why would they waste their time sorting, carrying, and putting the envelope on a plane to send to you? But my mom knows you exist. She was the one who took me to see you for the first time all those years ago. I knew I could send this to her and she’d forward it on. I’m her favorite you know? Ask my sisters. But don’t be too hard on them when they sound all deceitful and upset. They don’t really hate me.

I’m also sending this very early because it will probably get re-routed half way around the world six times before it gets to my mom who can forward it on to you. When it finally gets to Canada she’ll have to send it by courier to you. Don’t worry; I’ll pay her back the courier fees. Probably. So, after this letter is opened and read – well, partially read. They probably won’t make it past the first paragraph before they realize that they can’t read English and there is nothing dirty – shit, fuck, asshole – (just playing around there Santa) in this letter for them to hold on to it for. If I’m lucky they’ll actually find the envelope it came in that very same day. 

Did you have a good year? What did you and the missus get up to? Has the recession affected you up at the North Pole at all or are you still compromising quality for quantity and having your stuff made on the cheap in Asia? I’m not here to judge Santa, I’m just asking. The recession has hit us out here in the Middle East. I don’t think little Ahmed will be getting that Porsche for Christmas this year either. Well, he won’t be getting one in late December. No Christmas here. In fact, just the other day, I saw one of the locals carrying her own baby! She didn’t even have a Filipino nanny to carry it around for her. I guess the times are tough. 

I just wanted to catch up with you is all. I don’t really want anything this year to be honest. Maybe it’s because I went home last year for Christmas and saw your old house. The first place I ever saw you and I’m getting all nostalgic. I’m nothing but a hopeless romantic, as you know. Do you remember the first time we met at Southgate Shopping Mall? You had your house set up, tastefully decorated (although it only really had one complete wall) and you had lots of trees around. The ground was covered in snow apparently but it didn’t feel cold at all. I guess that’s because you’re magic or something like that. That’s the only explanation I have for why all those skinny, hot little elves want to be seen with a disgusting fat body like you. Either that or you’re packing more salami than an Italian deli? Then again, it might be the beard. Wizards have beards and they are magic too. Holy shit, you’re a wizard. Cool. 

You had a lot of visitors that day and I had to wait in line like everyone else – no favoritism there! One of your elves was very nice and she walked up and down the aisle, giving us candy, and when the smaller kids talked to her she would bend over. I didn’t know spandex could crawl that far up someone’s bum when it de-stretches. It really is a miracle fabric isn’t it? 

I don’t know why the parents snickered when you told them why your sack was so big. Even I know you only come once a year and there are billions of people deserving presents so they couldn’t just fit in a bag from Old Navy. The elf who took our picture seemed to really enjoy that information too. You told me to say hello to Chastity and the twins but I didn’t see any children with her. She must not be paid very well because that roll of quarters in your pocket you kept promising her kept poking me when you were bouncing me up and down on your lap. Maybe instead of getting me a present you should look at giving her one instead. Especially if she’s got twins and you’re paying her in quarters. 

I’m sorry that girl behind me peed on you too. I guess I shouldn’t have spent so long with you. It was just hard for me to understand you because your mouth must have been tired because you could barely pronounce your words correctly. My mouthwash never smells the way yours did either. I never did get that date with Drew Barrymore like you promised me but I guess you get asked for so many things you forget some from time to time. 

I should go now. You’ve probably got a ton of letters to look through before you start your journey again. Oh, by the way, I live in the Middle East now, as I told you, and I’ve seen camel’s toes. They look nothing like what you said Chastity had. 


24 thoughts on “A Very Important Letter

  1. (Yes – to the question in the first line)
    When did you wish for a date with Drew Barrymore ? When you saw her in E.T ? For some reason, I like that woman.
    Are you sure you are a hopeless romantic and not a hopeful one ?
    You really don’t want anything from Santa this year ? Come on ? not even a teeny tiny wish ?

    • Probably a little later than ET. When she was a teenager. I’m a little older than she is though.
      I’m probably a hopeless romantic who is hopeless at it??
      Nothing from Santa. As long as my family and friends remain happy and healthy that’s good enough for me.

    • Incredibly snailish. That’s a new word. I’m going to beg the Oxford people to include it in the dictionary next release.

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