I don’t know where this thought just came from but it popped into my head like a boner on a thirteen year old dancing the final song at a school dance with the prettiest girl in school. Sometimes thoughts just hit me like that. I’ll be working, or writing, or playing, and all of a sudden, WHAMMO, this thought sneaks up on me and gives me a reach-around. This latest thought was one just like it. It’s completely half-assed and nonsensical, maybe even moronical, but it came to me and now I feel like writing about it.
Just how dumb of a question is “what movie would you take with you to watch on a deserted island?” I’m not joking. This is the dumbest of fucking dumb questions. I don’t care how good the movie is you plan on taking with you either. This is just a dumb question and deserves an answer something similar to a kick in the marbles. If you can’t kick a guy in the marbles physically, or the question asker is a girl and you are against hitting women (and you should be), you can always retort with a few well-placed colorful adjectives or something that even Shakespeare would be proud of. The next time someone asks you this, see if you can remember this:
“Why, pray tell, would I want to take a movie with me to a deserted island? Just how, my insanely ingenious friend, am supposed to watch this movie? Shall I stick it in the sand and close my eyes and hope that in my delirious state of starvation, scurvy, and possibly crotch rot I will see the images exactly the same way I saw them when your little sister and I went to a movie and she fell for the old penis in the popcorn bag trick and couldn’t get enough of the special topping?
“Better yet, maybe I should stick that DVD into the ass of an iguana and pinch the poor thing’s nut sack forcing his mouth open and he’ll project the image magically, like some creature from Harry Potter, and I’ll be able to watch the film in giant screen comfort from my hammock on the beach. Yes, that does sound fun. Or, we could all just let reality take over for a minute and contemplate what you have just asked me.
“Bringing a DVD with me is pointless. Don’t ask me pointless questions. I don’t ask you if I can take your wife to O-Town because it’s pointless. If she wants me to do it, we won’t ask you about it. Unless I am allowed to take a television, a DVD player, and an endless supply of power the film is just another item to drive me closer to depths of insanity, a place you must reside for living the life that you do. Wait. I can have the television set, a DVD player, and the power supply? Can I also have a fridge, cold beer, my own personal plunge pool, and a couple of Swedish twins? I can’t? Then keep your fucking movie.
“Until the day comes I can make a DVD player and a television set out of coconut shells and palm fronds I don’t need the DVD. Do I look like the professor from Gilligan’s Island? Am I walking around making transistor radios and flashlights out of stuff I found on the island? Pretty talented guy was that professor. Or was he? If he was so smart why couldn’t he find a way for Ginger and Maryann to finally succumb to the Skipper’s fancy and engage on some girl on girl mud pit wrestling? Also, and this is the biggie. He could build a radio, a satellite to try and call for help, and numerous other inventions, yet he couldn’t fix a hole in a boat to get them off the island? Seriously, how fucking smart is that? It’s not like he was getting any out there. I could understand if it was just he and the girls and they found a brain the biggest aphrodisiac in the world but they didn’t. And he wasn’t getting any. Except from Gilligan; but they never showed that on television back then.
“So, no. I won’t be taking a movie with me to a deserted island thank you very much. I’d much rather take a satellite phone, a GPS system, or maybe a book of matches. Keep the DVD and hang it from your rear-view mirror so your car gets that disco ball effect when the sun hits it. I hope it blinds you and you crash over a bridge rail and fall to your death. As long as no one else is hurt.
“What movie would I take? I’d take your sister instead because I’d at least have a pig to put on the spit when I get the fire going.
“Don’t ask me such a dumb question next time. Thank you for your time now why don’t you go and eat yellow snow.”
That ought to do it you know. Either that or choose Castaway with Tom Hanks for the irony factor. That should fuck them up sufficiently.