The Male Thong

What, exactly is the purpose of this little invention? Really, do we need the male thong? How many men can actually wear one and not look absolutely silly? And, how many men can wear one and not walk around pulling a string from their ass every few steps? And, tell me, it was a woman who invented it wasn’t it?

It had to be a woman giving us this thing of beauty. Whoever created the female equivalent wanted to see woman in all her beauty, with all her curves and suppleness. Whoever created the male thong wanted to see a little bit of belly hanging over the waistband and tufts of hair creeping out from the thin strip of fabric up the crack of the ass. I’m telling you, from a distance, it could look like Willie Nelson and his bandana! Not pleasant.

Perhaps we were given this token by women to make up for all the things they do for men to make themselves look presentable for us. I’ll admit, that sometimes, men don’t deserve the lengths to which women go for us. Waxing and shaving and make-up and hair extensions and 45 minutes on the treadmill and low fat muffins while you eat pancakes with half a gallon of maple syrup. Yes, we get the better of it. And then comes the male thong.

I can see it now at the male thong headquarters somewhere near Majorca. A group of women, frustrated with being sex objects and the condition of their split ends, are holding something sexy that anyone of them would wear to make a man melt.

“It’s not fair, Kathy, that we have to look all pretty and men can just take off their pants and parade around in their tightie whities, probably stained and ripped, and we still must appease them.”

“Oh, I hear you Cindy, but I have an idea.”

“Do tell.”

“I will Claudia, as soon as Kate and Eva and Christie get here. Oh, I mean Ms. Brinkley. Oh, they’re here. Anyways, what if we had a male thong?”

“But why?”

“Well, when someone like Tom Hardy or that guy from Penguin Ponderings parades around in one, I’m not sure I could control myself. And, and I love this part, when normal guys wear it, just think of how funny it will be for us. Think of it as payback for all these years we’ve been pulling lace out of our heinies.”

Great applause follows. So do pictures of Tom and I in skimpies. The pictures were taken at separate times and we did not pose for them together.

And as a person who has had the pleasure of wearing a male thong, I can tell you they are bloody uncomfortable. Seriously uncomfortable. I went from the tightie whities as a kid to boxer shorts, still wear boxers, sometimes the tighter variety ones, but the male thong just crushed the kids.

I understand the mission of the push up bra. Every once and a while the girls like to enhance the girls, I get that. What I don’t get, and I hope I never meet anyone who wants to see, the effect the male thong has on the nuts. It pushes and lifts, never separates. I mean, I could have had some serious nut cleavage, if there is such a thing. How the kids didn’t start a fire because of all the rubbing together I’ll never know. I’m just lucky I still have two and they’re roughly the same size. I’ve checked, not to worry.

Why was I wearing a male thong, you may ask? Well, that is a good question and it deserves a good answer. It wasn’t for comfort, I’ll tell you that. Actually, and this shouldn’t surprise you, it was done for a laugh. Sure it may have been a laugh at my expense, but it was a laugh. I learned early on that I had the ability to make people laugh. At me, with me, because of me; it didn’t matter. My sense of humor probably saved me from getting beaten up more times than I can count. And as promised, here’s the embarrassing story.

Several years back, our soccer team was going through a bit of turmoil. A few of the new players were acting up and some of the older players were losing interest and complaining too much. The situation in the dressing room was massively tense, and going to the weekly games was a hassle for everyone. Things were way too serious, and I knew I was the person to change that.

We had been struggling for weeks, had lost our last 4 games and weren’t playing well at all. Guys were chirping at each other, we wouldn’t go for drinks afterwards, and it wasn’t like the good days.

It was the first game back after the Christmas break and we were expecting a full team out. We were playing the first place team and I knew it was the perfect opportunity to do something only Ger would do.

I got there a little later than normal so everyone would be there first. I walked into a full dressing room. Few players were talking, save for the ones side by side. Yup, the atmosphere was right for a pick-me-up. And I was the man to do it.

Now, I must preface this with the notion that I was itching to take the thong off as soon as I put it on, but I delayed my changing in the dressing room. I waited until our acting coach started talking about how we were going to play, who was playing in which situations, and what not.

I’m standing directly opposite him when I drop my pants and bend to grab my shorts from my bag. Naturally, my shirt comes up, the cheeks spread a little, and he sees nothing but green floss. Editor’s Note – Thankfully before the invention of the camera phone!

“What the hell is that?” Comes the yelp from him, followed by a boisterous laugh I hadn’t heard in weeks.

“These are my new lucky undies.”

“You can’t wear those man. How can you walk, let alone run.”

“I like the way they keep the kids in place.”

By now the room is full of laughter. Guys are giving me a hard time, cracking jokes, pointing, heading for the door until I put something decent on. I put on my compression shorts (sans thong), my shorts, the rest of my kit, and proceed to score after only 17 seconds of game time.

After our win the whole team goes for pints. Guys are laughing, telling everyone within earshot about my man thong. We finished the season with 8 wins and a tie in 9 games and finished second to move up a division. I’m not sure it was the male thong’s influence; but it didn’t hurt.

Except my nuts; they’ve never really forgiven me.



20 thoughts on “The Male Thong

  1. Believe me, male thongs are quite essential in the modern world. No one can look bad in them. Like speedos. I have no idea who Tom Hardy is but I shall be spending the rest of the day searching the internet for a picture of him wearing such an item.

  2. Feeling creepy after googling “Tom Hardy Thong”. I didn’t know it’s the guy who played Bane. No photos of him in a thong but there was one of Rod Stewart in only a thong and a scarf. I’ve always thought Rod and Bea Arthur of “The Golden Girls” bore a striking resemblance to each other. Now I’m picturing Bea Arthur in a thong.Erase. Erase!

    • I did not expect anyone to Google for pictures of dudes in thongs. And Rod Stewart. You. Poor. Girl. I truly am sorry for the loss of innocence you and your eyes have suffered.

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