Perhaps it was never meant to be. Perhaps I was never destined to have complete control of the world and the universe at large. I mean, I am the master of my own domain (thank you Jerry Seinfeld), and at times I am the master of the words I write, but I will never be the supreme ruler of the universe. I cannot profess to make claims such as Idi Amin and declare myself ruler of all the bugs and animals and plants too. I can’t because I’m not that big-headed, or stupid, but I’ve got a short fall of a sort. My normalcy, you see, is keeping me from trying to take over the world.
The annals of history are full of brave and not-so-virtuous men who have made it their sole ambition to be the one, the only, the King of Rock and Roll kind of figures to a society that they wanted. Now, before I start to sound too sexist, thereby upsetting my predominantly intelligent, probably way too hot and smart for me, female readership, I will say that all of these men had a woman, or two or three or several behind them. Probably pushing them farther than they wanted to go but can you tell a woman that? No, of course you can’t. She’ll just complain and tell you that this guy she knows would do it, and he’s all man. When he wears shorts at the beach they call him “tripod”. Now, how are you supposed to sit back and take something like that? You’re not, that’s what. And because of this you often, like a beaten and out for redemption man that you are, you do things you probably wouldn’t think of doing.
Take Ghengis Khan for example. All he wanted to do was beat his fellow tribe mates in a rousing game of pull my finger after dining on half a horse, but he wasn’t allowed to. Upper Mongolia wasn’t quite big enough for Chaka Khan (My research might be out here – not sure Chaka Khan was the wife of Ghengis Khan) so she demanded that Ghengis go out and conquer, thereby acquiring more land at a fraction of the cost, and she would sell this land to condominium developers and rich Saudi oil barons who would build shopping malls with incredibly tacky chandeliers.
I will admit that Ghengis wasn’t the smartest of blokes but he didn’t have much choice. But, this isn’t about Ghengis and the rest of his Mongol horde. This isn’t even about Chaka, his lovely big-haired lady who wouldn’t let him sit on his laurels once half of the known world was his. No, this is about why I won’t be destined to rule the world. Or at the very least, be the type of person who would think of global domination.
As I have mentioned before, I am too normal for this to happen. I know, I am the last person to admit that he is normal. That word scares me. Normal is boring. Normal is taking a shit a day, having three solid meals, a spouse, and 2 and a quarter kids. I don’t do normal. But, in the grand scheme of life, my deformity has gone against me.
Say what you will about a certain German named Adolf, but he was just an obsessed man with a dream. So it was a devious, vile, and disgusting dream and, unfortunately, he got to see too much of his dream come true. Now, for the record, I in no way am glorifying the man, or giving applause to what happened leading up to and during WWII, I am just making a very comical argument. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way I will continue. Adolf was a peculiar little man. He couldn’t even grow a full moustache. I often wondered what he would look like with a big moustache like the dad has on American Chopper, or for all you Canadian hockey fans, a Lanny MacDonald original. But, he was facially folically challenged, to go along with short, insecure, and probably a tad uglier than the average blond haired, blue eyed, individual he wanted.
I wouldn’t mind a blond haired, blue eyed individual, but I’m not going to turn away a brown eyed, or black haired, or Asian, or Croatian (after watching the European Championships I have realized that Croatian women are uber hot). I’m also not going to try and build myself a dozen or so of these creations forgoing the laws of nature and physics. I am a man of the people; all people. Adolf wasn’t. His insecurities got the better of him. My insecurities lead to great reading for others. See, I’m not cut out for this global domination stuff.
And if we go back before him we find a little French dude with bad fashion sense, the penchant for keeping one hand in his coat, and a serious problem with Belgium. His accent wasn’t the best part of his character, and I’m sure he was only a little annoyed with short jokes too. He too was trying to bite off more than he could chew, pushed the whole way by a woman. It ended badly for little Napoleon, banished to some island in the Mediterranean long before the string bikini was invented. And definitely before there was any kind of ferry system between islands making it easy for revellers to have one night stands on a different island a night. Hey, I’m sure some chicks were into short, rotund, failed conquerors. And of course, Napoleon did end up as a dorky teenager with some sweet dance moves, a best friend named Pedro, and a rather sheltered life in Idaho.
Napoleon and Adolf had another thing in common, and if we are to believe all we see in movies, a slightly less, but still oddly peculiar similarity with Dr Evil from the Austin Powers’ movies. You could argue that all these men, however twisted and misguided, all had balls. In the case of Adolf and Napoleon, it was only one. Dr Evil, it is rumoured, has three. This oddity sets them apart.
I guess every man has his Waterloo – mine is having two oddly shaped balls in the left over elbow skin that is conveniently called my nut sack. See, I hate being normal.