Sometimes the Only Constant Sucks

I read an excellent post yesterday by Story Time with John about the term “growing up”. Like him, I don’t like it. I prefer to use the term “collecting experiences”, and so that is what I’ll do. And in conversation I with another friend, I said I needed a nap because I ate too much KFC at lunch. Her reply was naps are awesome as an adult, but most kids hated having one. That got me thinking. Me thinking is never a good thing. But I thought nonetheless and decided to make a list of things that change as you “collect experience”.

Things I Hated as a Kid but Love Now

  1. Naps – Hated when I had to have one as a kid. Now, as a supposed-adult, nothing beats a lazy little nap on the couch with my cats curled around my feet.
  2. Spanking – When I was younger it meant I had done something bad. Now, it just means I’m with a “very naughty girl”.
  3. Staying In – On the odd occasion I’d get grounded and actually stay grounded, I hated staying indoors. Now, like a lot of things, a night in doesn’t seem so bad.

Things that Change Over Time

  1. Dressing Up – As a kid I dressed up for two reasons: Halloween or when I’d have to look respectable when out with my parents. Now, there are plenty of times when people can/should dress up.
  2. Toys – My love of Lego notwithstanding, toys change as you “collect experience” as well. Sometimes those toys go with dressing up too!
  3. Diapers – Sad but true.
  4. Having Baths Together – Anyone with a younger sibling might have had a shared bath time. Sharing a bath when you’re older (and hopefully not with a sibling) is something altogether different. And the Rubber Duckie might not be the only toy in the tub with you.
  5. Mispronouncing Words – When you’re a kid it is cute to call spaghetti pasghetti. When you’re older, well, it ain’t so cute anymore. Unless you find mocking and ridicule cute. Then by all means, go ahead, keep messing up even the simplest of words.
  6. Velcro Shoes – If you are between the ages of 5 and 95, Velcro on your shoes should be avoided as keenly as Ebola, the Plague, and any future David Spade movies. Velcro on clothing, besides that one pair of stripper pants everyone has in their closet, is a definite no-no. The obvious exception is of course on your golf glove. True story.

Things that Disappoint You as You Collect Experiences

  1. Shaving – When I was a kid I thought shaving would be cool. I couldn’t wait to start shaving. Now? Hate it with a passion. Such a tedious thing to do. Thank fuck I don’t have to shave my legs, my chest, my armpits, or my ass (well, I don’t have to but could probably raise copious amounts of money for charities if I ever decided to wax my chest).
  2. The Fact Girls Stop Lifting their Dress Above their Head – We all remember on the playground the girls would twirl around and some of them would lift their dresses above their heads while saying something profound like, “I don’t know.” Why do they stop that practice? Just saying.
  3. New Year’s Eve – Of my many New Year’s Eves on this planet, I can honestly say that only a couple of them have been memorable. You streak towards it full of pomp and circumstance only to end up whispering Auld Lang Syne to your drunk uncle who is still telling you about the time he met someone who looked like Kylie Minogue. And you usually have to pay at least double the cover charge for it. Drinks are more expensive. Women are all dressed up so the ones who would normally look at you will settle for nothing less than Hugh Jackman (and not someone who was once told he looked like Hugh JAckman [even though he doesn’t see it himself]). Yeah, most New Year’s Eves suck the royal fat one.

So there you have it. Not a complete list, of course, but a start. I’m sure you all have your own snippets, for better or worse, you could add. And please do so in the comments below. You know how much I love your comments.



14 thoughts on “Sometimes the Only Constant Sucks

  1. Damn I wish I looked like Hugh Jackman…BIG SIGH.

    You know man, I am one of those strange guys who didn’t start shaving till very late…so it is relatively new to me, I waited so long…and then I finally find out just how annoying it really is. You have to have a trade off between looking homeless and the level of irritation it gives you…this makes me remember a childhood story…thanks for the reminder 🙂

    • I could shave twice a day if I really wanted to get that clean-shaven look but lately I’m going 4 or 5 days without shaving I hate it so much.

      I look forward to reading the story. And you are welcome.

  2. Ha ha funny list. Read John’s post…nice and spot on…growing up implies an end point when life is about everything in between. Getting outside I actually hated as a kid, but I can’t do without it now. And KFC used to be Kentucky Fried Chicken.

    • I know it used to be Kentucky Fried Chicken. And I used to be able to eat more than 6 pieces in one sitting.

  3. What is with every one talking about Hugh Jackman suddenly. :sigh: I have been hearing his name since Sunday. Please give that guy a break.
    When I was a kid , I hated holidays. I always liked school because I was surrounded by books (even if I read them or not) But now, I feign being sick and sit at home and read my books (shhh).
    I didn’t like travelling because it was too much work, but now I would love to travel the globe if I had that much money.
    I loved to dance but felt very awkward when I was a kid so never did it. But now, I do it even if it is within the confines of my own home or my Zumba class (doesn’t matter that I have two left feet).
    One thing that remained constant is my love to teach. I did it when I was young and I yearn to do it now (sometimes I fulfill it by teach my nieces and nephew)

    • I like Hugh Jackman. I was not insulting him at all. Only the person who thought I looked like him!
      I used to hate flying, but I’m over that now. Sadly a lack of disposable travel income gets in the way of more.
      Great list, thank you.

      • Sorry if I sounded a little prickly, which wasn’t my intention. I have been hearing my friends comparing themselves to Hugh Jackman since Sunday and I am this close to pouring water on their heads to wake them up from their dreams.

  4. I have a theory about New Year’s Eve. I have found that, generally speaking, the more epic the New Year’s Eve, the shitter the year ahead. One of my best ever years was welcomed by myself and a few elderly relatives, blind drunk, singing the theme tune to Minder, endlessly. Horrific evening, awesome year that followed.

    I’m with you on the toys thing, too.

    • Good theory. I’ll have to go back to the annals of history and see if that theory has sway with mine as well.

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