You don’t need me to tell you we live in troubling times. All you have to do is turn on the news or read a newspaper and you’ll have enough bad news to last you the whole week. But I’m not here to get political, religious, righteous, or preachy. Nope, that’s not my style – usually. But I thought I would use today, Sunday 23 November, to address a very important and ultimately debate-engrossing subject. Possibly, the most pressing issue on my agenda. Seriously, this is very important.
Without further ado, I’ll just get into it. No one likes foreplay. Unless it’s done right. And then foreplay is awesome. Just saying. Anyway, a friend of mine just posted photos on Facebook of something so shocking I felt it deserved a response in blog form. I commented on her photos of course, because I like to give my opinion and people should agree with it (and if they don’t they shouldn’t tell me that – I’ve already got self-esteem issues). Naturally, she has not responded to my comment because she probably feels that I am right and she’s rendered speechless (a rare feat for this lovely young lady).
Once something is on the Internet is there forever, and as such, I know for a fact that on 22 November 2014, she put her Christmas tree up!! Sure, it’s been snowing for about a month in Canada already, but there’s a protocol that needs to be followed. I’m about to give you 5 points of reference and at least 2 of them need to be met before any Christmas tree shall be erected in a place of residence. Artificial or real, white or blue, Charlie Brown naked or Clark Griswold extreme. I’m secretly wondering how many of you will get those references … These protocol have been passed down through the millennia by a series of Penguins, my forefathers if you will, and therefore, carry extreme gravitas.
- A Christmas tree should not be erected, by man or his servants, on any day that falleth before the festival of the Giving of the Thanks. We must first remember how we conned the aboriginals out of their land before we commenceth the celebratory shenanigans that have no bearing whatsoever on the birth of Christ (a savior for some). It matters not that the Gap and other stores have by now choked your Christmas spirit out of you with their excessive yuletide music.
PS – For Canadians, who Give the Thanks in early October because they can, an erected holiday plant before this time might see you ridiculed more than former Toronto mayor Rob Ford, and that teenage starlet Justin Bieber. And you shall gleefully, as you are already obviously in holiday mode, accept a series of punches to the face for your stupidness.
- A Christmas tree should not be erected, by man or his servants, on any day that falleth before any office holiday party! Until you have dodgedeth the crazy girl from accounts payable or the creepy guy with the lazy eye and one hand in his front pocket from under the mistletoe, your Christmas tree must remain in its box in the attic, the corner, or in the basement next to your son who only vacates your house to go to Comic Con or see the new Marvel movie at the multiplex. Once your boss has uttered inappropriate words or someone photocopies their ass on the company machine, the Christmas tree can be as erect as Larry from HR when Karen wore that skimpy elf costume and wanted everyone to do the hooter shooters!
- A Christmas tree should not be erected, by man or his servants, on any day that falleth before your yearly visit from those lovable Austrians the von Trapps. While this singing, dancing, drape wearing, puppet-yielding, single parent family cannot helpeth erect said tree, they do know how to solve a problem like Maria, the do know the tale of the Lonely Goatherder, and will practically render you teary with an ode to a solitary white flower. Yes, when they have Climbethed every mountain, and bid adieu, adieu, to you and you and you, your Christmas tree may be dusted off like so many habits that people wear to midnight screenings of this somehow, holiday classic.
PS – Penguins do now, and always have appreciated the live performance take-part in viewings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show better. We would rather Time Warp than reminisce about being 16 going on 17. But Penguins like to “Fuck shit up”, as the Albatrosses will tell you.
- A Christmas tree should not be erected, by man or his servants, on any day that falleth before you have heard your 50th “there’s only xxx shopping days until Christmas” proclamation. While your Christmas tree must remain in hiding before this time, it is perfectly acceptable for each of these first 50 people (or perhaps the same person 50 times) to sport a black eye or fat lip. Accidents happen. There is no Santa. He does not have a list. And if he did, his list would be his favourite girls on Tinder. It gets cold up there and Mrs Claus ain’t getting any younger. And it is a special list. It’s not every girl who is willing to play pin the tail on a group of elves!
- A Christmas tree should not be erected, by man or his servants, on any day that falleth before any of the following festival traditions as passed down by the Three Wise Men and a donkey in a manger. Firstly, the release of yet another over-priced but holiday-cheer infused “special coffee” from Starbucks or your favorite java house. When arriving at the manger all those years ago, or so the story goes, the gift of myrrh was not handed over until, “somebody gets this bitch [talking very street about himself it was noted] a candy cane latte. And yes, I want whipped cream on top!”
Secondly, your tree must remain limp until at least 4 Christmas villages have been erected in the local malls and Santa appears at each one; and yes, his breath must smell like a mix of antiseptic and cough syrup. Perhaps with a hint of mouth wash as well.
Thirdly, and lastly, but perhaps of the most importance, your Christmas tree can be on display for friends and family you only see once per year so they can eat all your food and drink all your booze, and probably squeeze your wife and oldest daughters a little too tightly for their liking, when the ladies working in the world’s oldest profession, for the good of us all, are dressed as elves.
PS – In certain parts of the world this may require some hands on research, as many will be wearing overcoats to keep them warm when they’re not burning the hundred dollar bills people with no presents to wrap donate to them. Nothing says Ho, Ho, and Ho, like, ummm, three prostitutes in elf costumes.
So there is the list, ladies and gentlemen. As mentioned previous, this did not come from me, but was handed down by Penguins much more astute, aloof, and even more fictitious than I am! Use this as a guide to reserve your dignity around Penguins throughout the world. Or, just wait until December before you post a photo of your Christmas tree for all of social media to see.