Penguin Firsts

I’m feeling kind of playful today so I went back and found an old post on a previous blog of mine. The questions asked were legitimate … my answers … possibly fictitious.

  1. Who was your FIRST prom date?

Brooke Shields cancelled on me so I had to wait a few years until my own prom and I hired a couple of call girls and a circus donkey and we went en masse to the function. After that, the girls won amateur night at a local strip club and the donkey had to be put down because of a communicable disease.

  1. Who was your FIRST love and do you still talk with her?

Either Christie Brinkley or my second grade teacher Miss McMahon, who totally loved me back. The amount of stars and kisses she put on my work when she gave it back was a sign that she was set to cross that chasm of student/teacher relationship. I told her I was already taken. I’m not sure she’s ever recovered.

Teacher The memory is fading but I’m sure this is Miss M.

  1. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?

A young Drew Barrymore and I were seen sipping champagne at some Hollywood party when we were both around 6 years old. While she graduated to harder drugs, I moved on to debauchery and pornography, and Ebay.


Drew – If only she had been successful!

  1. What was your FIRST job?

I auditioned for the role of Bond girl in Octopussy but apparently my costume with 8 vaginas wasn’t required. Needless to say, I got my first job just down the street in a studio filming “8 holes, 1 night”.

  1. What was your FIRST car?

We were in Thailand and it was pulled by some little old guy named Hop Sim. It didn’t go very fast, except downhill, but the gas mileage was phenomenal.

  1. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?


Natalie Portman telling me she had left her knickers at my house.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?


Scarlett Johansson when I was posting Natalie Portman’s knickers on Ebay. I was remembering how much I got for Scarlett’s bra.


Scarlett’s bra… possibly

  1. Who was your FIRST teacher?

I’ve never had a teacher. I’ve had a few nurses, some waitresses, some wannabe actresses (I guess you could call them waitresses too), a few athletes, but never a teacher.

  1. When and where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?

It was at the Neverland Ranch and the ride spun around and around. Good thing I had an adult there to hold my hand.

  1. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?

His name was Fluffy and he was my dog. He was pretty good in a fight but couldn’t teach me to swim. We lost touch when he decided he had to meet the original Lassie.

  1. Where was your FIRST sleepover?

Hef invited me to the mansion once but as I was in detention with Natalie and Jessica I already had my hands full.

  1. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?

Eric Roberts phoned me and I kept saying, “Julia who?”


Eric – a few family issues.

  1. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?

When Chuck and Di decided to fool everyone and tie the knot Phillip was nowhere to be seen so Liz asked me instead. Talk about boring. My favorite wedding involved a couple of midget Mexican wrestlers and the chick that played Jennifer on Family Ties. Now that was fucked up!


Almost as famous as the guy that played Skippy

  1. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?

I scratched my nuts, because Natalie Portman had already left. I then removed her panties from my arse.


How I slept with these up there I have no idea.

  1. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?

Nana Mouskouri. I gave her a dozen roses and she kissed me. It was at that moment I decided I’d never have an older woman (unless they really wanted me).

  1. FIRST tattoo?


His name was Herve Villechaize but he’s no longer with us. I hope he’s gone to his own Fantasy Island. If they do a remake I am betting Verne Troyer, the dude who played Mini-Me would do a bang-up job. Apart from that, I’ve got a tattoo of the former Soviet Union on my ass. Every time I bend over, the Baltic States separate.

Tattoo – Way cooler than Mr Rourke

  1. FIRST piercing?

I fell down a mountain trail as a tot and was impaled by a stick through my left buttock cheek. Does that count?  If not, I’ve got a Prince Albert!

  1. FIRST foreign country you’ve been to?

I was smuggled into Paraguay in the hopes I’d overthrow the government. But since I only saw the bedroom of the chambermaid, I guess I never really achieved my potential in Paraguay.

  1. FIRST movie you remember seeing in the theater?

The latest Harry Potter film. It’s illegal to make out in movie theaters in the Middle East so I had to watch this one.

  1. FIRST Detention you had?

I don’t remember my first of many detentions but I do remember my favorite. It was the time Natalie and I played dress-up and she caught me in the cloak room with Jessica Biel and I had to work extra hard for the rest of the week proving to her that she was still my favorite teacher. It took more than a few apples I can tell you that.

  1. What was the FIRST state you lived in?

Does hormonal bliss count?

  1. If you had three wishes, what would the FIRST one be?

If Natalie and Scarlett could come over at the same time. If not, if Natalie could leave her bra and panties next time because a matching set is worth more on Ebay. Failing all that, world peace.

  1. What is the FIRST thing you would learn if you had the chance?

I would learn how to convince Natalie and Scarlett to leave a matching set of bras and panties at my house.

Some of these answers happen to be true. Care to guess which ones?

2 thoughts on “Penguin Firsts

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