My regular readers of my blog will know that I’m a pretty cool penguin cat. It’s a gift, it can’t be helped. I wake up in the morning and piss awesomeness. Sadly, with all the water I drink out here in Dubai, by the time mid-afternoon rolls around I’ve pissed whatever awesomeness I had down the toilet. But, I still do it. And being such a cool penguin cat, I feel comfortable with my knowledge bullshit when it comes to the most grooviest of terms of endearment ever. EVER! Yes, my penguinos (still searching for a term worthy of my excellent readership), I am referring to someone who “digs” you.
But, let’s be honest here for a moment. If “dig” was simple, anybody could write a few hundred words about it. Alas, poor unrequited lovers and love-happy people alike, it is not so simple. Kind of like love, life, and Stephen Hawking if you think about it. None of those are simple either. So, with my hands firmly grasping my cajones (once I’m done typing of course), I will now break down the various degrees of “dig” so we all have a better understanding just which category you fall into in reference to yours truly (insert winky face emoticon here).
When legendary thinker Socrates was chilling with his toga-clad peeps in Greece, he ascertained that there were only two uses of the word “dig”. The first referred to the hole he was getting himself into by leaving the toilet seat up so Mrs Socrates would wet her smaller derriere during her late night pee breaks. The second, of course, referred to the wanton looks of revelers when he sent hearts a-patter with his grey matter. Turns out Bill and Ted’s favorite ancient philosophizer was wrong. While those two “digs” do exist, the second becomes much more complicated. Think the opposite of Justin Bieber lyrics. For ease of use, you can copy the following point form reference guide and keep it in your wallet or purse. I recommend laminating it so it keeps longer. You could also keep a copy next to your condoms in the bed-side table for a quick peek to see if your potential partner “digs” you enough to ride the adults-only ride! Most times, the term “dig” is said by the person who thinks the other person “digs” him/her. Hence the examples are written as such.
- “You ‘dig’ me” – Said pretty much immediately after the other person laughs at one of your stupid jokes, likes your dumbest Facebook post in years, or is just generally a little more talkative or flirty than normal. Usually occurs mere minutes after meeting me.
- “You’re really ‘digging’ me right now” – In the course of a short time s/he has gone from “dig” to the next degree up. This might be your brief window of opportunity to ask for a phone number, a blowjob in the gas station bathroom, or a new car. Use your judgment wisely. Asking for too much will result in you needing a shovel to “dig” your own grave. But ask for too little … and you might regret not asking for what you really wanted. This is perhaps the trickiest of all the “dig” precipices. There’s a fine line between erection and rejection, I won’t lie to you. Take each step carefully and you may just be rewarded. You have been warned.
- “You totally ‘dig” me” – At this stage, you should carry plenty of tissue as you are at risk of nosebleeds your head is so far up in the clouds. In a study conducted by me, of me, for me, it was ascertained that 100% of the time that I uttered these words, I was only 60% correct. People in this stage of “dig” for you will offer you their last chocolate, will cook you your favorite meal when you’re feeling sick, and will probably try that thing they saw on this film made in Amsterdam or Budapest that possibly isn’t legal in the country where you live.
- “You ‘diiiigggg’ me” – Throw in an extended “dig” and wedding plans or suggestions of threesomes can occur. The extended “dig” is a very good sign. Kind of like the “buy one lap dance and get one free” sign at your favorite strip club. This is often said with a childlike exuberance or funny comical accent to try and bring some levity to a situation that might be too huge for some people to handle. Tossing out “ diiigggg” accusations like they’re circus midgets in a Mexican ensemble needs a bit of lessening or you threaten to go from “dig” to China patterns to squinting as you get the job done to an old copy of National Geographic. Although there may be trepidations, the extended “dig” is the one you want to utter or hear. Unless this happens …
- “I super ‘dig’ you okay” – Usually said to men by women with Eastern European accents, primarily on holiday eves, or sometimes just after a really good night out at the bar. You hear this; she’s more accessible then Berlin after the wall came down. Naturally, this one comes with downsides as well. Her breath will probably smell like too much booze, too many cigarettes, and possibly a hint of the other 13 guys she’s made out with before deciding on you. She might not want to leave the next day as her visa has expired and needs a way to stay in the country. She might charge you for your dalliance, even though in your drunken state you can’t remember if anything actually happened. Or worse, she could have hairy armpits! The lure of a sure thing can be hard to resist, but sometimes it could be the best decision you’ll make. Or so I’ve heard.
For brevity, I have skimmed over the degrees of “dig”. Scholars from all over the place and no place have not conducted any research into these degrees of “dig”, but in all honesty, they don’t really have to. We all know, deep in the sub-cockles of our loins, that these are true. We might not like to admit it, but they are. I have no such qualms about admitting these things.
I hope this handy guide serves you well in the future, or doesn’t serve you at all, depending on your needs, your wants, your desires, or your insanity defense. Remember, it takes a wise man to say and do wise thing, an even wiser one not to choke when his tongue is planted firmly in cheek. Be safe, be well, and remember always, there can never be enough “dig” out there.