I was asked, nay, challenged, to answer these questions by the lovely Kim. Check out her blog here; it’s a good one. There is also an award that comes with it, but I don’t do awards so I sacrificed less space on my mantelpiece for humility and decided to just answer the questions for you. Yes, I am a man of the people. Or a penguin of the people if you prefer. So, without further ado, because who needs more ado, the answers to 11 simple questions.
- If you could have one superpower what would it be, and why?
For years and years this question used to torment me. Back as a teenager I would have said invisibility; but only because Pam* had the biggest boobs ever and rumour had it she would parade around the girls locker room showing them off. You can assume all you want why I wanted to be invisible.
Then I thought flying would be cool, because, flying! It dawned on me though that if I were invisible I could fly for free anyway, so invisibility became what I wanted again.
Nowadays I’m leaning towards the ability to teleport. That would be cool. And not like in Harry Potter where you have to say the name of the place you want to go and you get there. There is a scene where Harry mispronounces where he wants to go and it nearly costs him. Could you imagine that with my stutter? Jesus, I’d end up in Wal-Mart on “Redneck Appreciation Day” or something. And I ain’t got no banjo picking clothes! Imagine being able to go wherever you wanted at any time in history? Think of all the devious wonderful things you could do.
- Describe your ideal Friday night.
My weekend here in Dubai is Friday and Saturday, so I’m thinking this question refers to Thursday night for me, which is the first night of the weekend. Ideal Thursday night, huh? Hmmm.
Seeing as though it is football season (soccer), and my beloved Tottenham Hotspurs are stuck playing in the second tier of European competition, their games are on Thursdays now. Generally my Thursday will go like this:
Off work at 3 and at my favourite grocery store at 4 to buy food for the weekend, including the best cookies of all time – dark chocolate ginger cookies!
Contemplate cooking dinner and instead order in (because everywhere delivers in Dubai). Supplement ordered in food with aforementioned cookies.
Play videogames or watch Nat Geo for a couple of hours before the football starts. There was a time I would work on the novel I have started but writer’s block has made me her prison bitch and she ain’t supplying lubricant at the moment.
Watch football. Usually get frustrated as Tottenham shit the bed again!
Go to bed cursing myself that I stayed up late to watch them play and didn’t go out to meet friends instead.
But ideal? I’m sure this includes either me being awesome on the dance floor somewhere or just getting cuddles (and not just from my cats). Ideal doesn’t happen often.
- What is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you?
Besides some random tales of mistimed erections, I haven’t had too many embarrassing moments. In fact, I don’t really get embarrassed. Except this one time …
It’s probably around the year 1997. I’m 26, in the best shape of my life (you could wash your tiniest g-string on my stomach, ladies), and well, if I’m honest, the only thing bigger than our solar system was my ego. An unwarranted ego if I’m honest. But boy could I talk a big game. We are at the pub that sponsor our football team and many of the wives are there as well. I’m single. Betty*, mother to our team captain and in her late 50s (but usually the life of the party due to her infectious smile and inability to not have a good time) catches me looking at the new waitress. Betty* knows her, I have not met this girl yet. I also didn’t drink back then; preferring to be the designated driver so my married friends could get home safely. Betty* calls the waitress over and this happens (word for word as it is ingrained in my mind)
“Hi love. I want to introduce you to someone.” Betty* proceeds to position us together.
“Ger, this is Heather*, Heather*, this is Ger.” She smiles and extends her hand.
“Ger has a question for you.” By this time, Betty’s husband and her son are at the table and they are both looking at me wondering what my question is. I have the pained expression of the kid who can’t tie his own shoelaces and thinks that snot is the 6th food group.
“Howay, lad.” Betty* exclaims as only someone from Sunderland can.
“Yes?” Heather* prompts.
Betty* looks at me and shakes her head before turning to Heather*. “Do you fuck?”
Feel free to speculate the end of this tale.
- Describe your High School experience in 4 words.
Stuttering. Awful. Misguided. Masturbatory.
- What is in your bag/pocket right now?
Seeing as though I’m like Indiana Jones or Joyce Behar (depending on which take from the Hangover you look at) and carry a satchel, I actually do have stuff to report. In my pockets you will find (when I’m not at my desk and seated), my wallet, some coins, my apartment keycard and metro pass and house keys. In the satchel there is a magazine (a copy of Outdoor UAE that I had an article featured in), a pair of sunglasses, random pieces of paper, a flashdrive containing God knows what, my business cards, the tie I wore to work yesterday, my iPod, a pack of tissues, and usually my phone when I’m on my way home. Not very exciting, I know.
- Biggest fashion mistake?
Seeing as I grew up in the 80s and played hockey, I’m pretty sure I sported some bodacious hair.
But I will always blame my parents for that. I bought white loafers once. Never wore them, but still a mistake. I might have owned a skinny red leather tie too. Those aren’t even sexy if you’re using them to tie up call girls. Thankfully I never owned those goofy looking weightlifter pants that were all the rage.
But I did own an awful lot of neon. Yeah, I remember neon was big and not just on the club scene. Seriously, what was wrong with us?
- If you could go back and relive one experience, what would it be?
I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason so not sure I can really answer this question. All of my actions, decisions, and outcomes of the past have made me who I am today. While I’m not perfect; most days I do like myself a lot. Like super a lot too. Maybe bordering on worship if I’m honest.
But one experience … okay, here goes. I’m standing by the water in the Okavango Delta in Botswana. It’s pitch black and we have flashlights scanning the water for eye shine. All around us the sound of hippos splashing into the water and trumpeting echo. On a rare moment of silence from the hippos we hear the unmistakable sound of lions calling to each other. Absolutely insane. We saw no animals that night, but the electricity flowing through me could have powered Tokyo. Goosebumps, accelerated heartbeat, anxiety bordering on wetting myself. EPIC!!
- Most embarrassing song in your ITunes?
Embarrassing to who? The artist who put out the crap song that is stupidly catchy and reminds me of a great memory, or embarrassing to me because a 44 year old man shouldn’t have music his 13 year old niece recommended? All songs on my iPod have a meaning to me. They all remind me of something good, something dear, or even something that left a little pain in my heart. So none of it is embarrassing to me. But that doesn’t make my love of 80s synth-pop less cringe-worthy for you.
- You have a year, unlimited resources, support, and 1 million dollars. How would you fix our world’s problems?
Sorry, it can’t be done. We have billions of people around the world believing in a being in the sky, but still don’t believe a “Wet Paint” sign!? There is an inherent selfishness in humankind as a whole, and that, I’m afraid, is not going to end any time soon. If I could personally go out and buy the supplies schools need I would do that. If I could buy the stuff needed for clean water supplies in countries and be there to help set it up, I would do that. But I wouldn’t donate the money when most of it wouldn’t leave a government office. Am I a pessimist? Probably. I see random moments of good in people; just not enough to inspire too much faith. But fingers crossed, huh?
- Your favorite movie and why?
My least favourite question of all time. I actually blogged about this once. How am I supposed to come up with one favourite? Like the music I listen to when I write it all depends on my mood. I find it hard to narrow down my favourites based on genre. There are days I find it hard to decide which Harold and Kumar movie is my favourite. I do like quotable movies though. The Princess Bride will always score high on my list, and is always a go-to option if I need a laugh or want to shut down. For the younger viewers out there, it is also a great film to choose if you want to snuggle up on the couch with a date. It might be nearly 30 years old now, but it is timeless.
I’m not big on the classics though. Most are overrated, in my humble opinion. I will say this though, it is good to see a movie without a $200 million budget for special effects.
- What’s the worst part about getting older?
I’m still relatively lucky that I can eat pretty much what I want and not gain too much weight. I do need to exercise more but I’m getting lazier with each day that passes I think. So, the worst part … seeing David Spade make more movies when he isn’t even funny? Nope, that’s not it. Seeing Jon Stewart retire when he was the best thing on television? Nope, that’s not it. I’ve got it. I’m not afraid of going grey (and since every male in my family has a full head of hair there’s a pretty good chance I will too), but it did shock me the first time I saw a grey chest hair. I’m dreading getting into the shower one day and seeing a grey hair down there … and yes ladies, feel free to visualize. Lol. Seriously, I might start manscaping should that happen.
Editor’s Note: All names with an * have been changed to protect their identities … or have they!?