“Hello,” said the voice on the phone. “My name is __________. I know you never expected a call from me, as famous as I am, but I’ve been given your name as someone who can help me _______.” (Write a story that follows this line.)
This is the opening sentence prompt I found on Writer’s Digest. Here we go. My apologies now if this is too geek and too rude for you.
“Hello,” said the voice on the phone. “My name is Luke Skywalker. I know you never expected a call from me, as famous as I am, but I’ve been given your name as someone who can help me find a date.”
“Hello, Luke.” He was right, this was a surprise. I mean, I always thought that he could just use the Force and bend a girl’s will to go out with him; but then again it wasn’t too surprising to learn that he didn’t use his powers for bad. A part of me wanted to be disappointed by that. Perhaps it would have made him seem fallible. Perhaps it was just me knowing I would have used the Force to get a date. Hey, work with what you’ve got, right? “Can I ask where you got my number from?”
“Lando gave it to me.” The calmness in his voice revealed he was telling the truth. And I had spoken to Lando, a while ago now, but the case of Cristal he sent as thanks meant he was another happy customer. I’m not a Cristal fan, if truth be told, but it’s always good to have a bottle chilling just in case a party happens. And when I’m around, a party usually happens.
“Cool.” I breathed into the phone, trying not to get too ahead of myself. “What can I do you for, Luke?”
“There’s this girl I like.” He sounded sheepish. Here he was, probably the most powerful Jedi in the universe (or any universe) and he was still obviously flustered about some girl. Happens to all of us I thought. “We’ve been talking more and more, and it’s getting really easy and we’re comfortable, and she’s even made jokes about my ‘lightsabre’, but I don’t know if I should take that final leap.”
“Have you read my book?” I asked the question with so much authority it demanded an answer right away.
“Kraft Dinner won’t get you Laid?” He replied back.
“Yeah, Kraft Dinner.” I was smiling through the phone.
“Lando gave me a PDF version. Said you haven’t published it. Said you just have it sitting on your desktop on your computer at home. Seems a silly place for it, if you ask me.”
“I didn’t ask you, did I?” I laughed. “It’s just one of those things, Luke. The book’s a little outdated now, in terms of the celebrity references and whatnot, and with the advance of dating apps on your mobile phone now, no one really wants to sit down and read a hilarious take on the dating scene. Those are Lando’s words, not mine. I would never say that about anything I’ve written.”
“Well you should.” I could almost hear him shake his head through the phone. “You spout off all this wisdom about confidence, and yet you pretty much belittle this opus of yours.”
“Aren’t we supposed to be helping you with your problem, Luke?” I waited for his resigned ‘Yes’. “Okay, have you tried anything from the book?”
“We were both going to see some indie band play at one of the bars near the space port, so I said I would pick her up if she wanted to drink. Getting an Uber can be a long wait on a Friday night. She said yes. I then realised that my speeder was in a real state. I might wash the outside of it on a regular basis, but the inside is a dust magnet. A gave it a thorough cleaning, hung up a cute Ewok air freshener, and even put in some pre-sets on the radio so she could find a station she liked.”
“Did she appreciate the effort?”
“She did say you could tell a lot about a guy by the way he takes care of his things.” He paused. “I wanted to high-five myself after that one.”
“Chapter 4 in the book. Well done, Luke.” I laughed. “So you get to the club, what next?”
“I casually flip out my arm so she can link hers through mine, and she does.” I can hear him click as he winks to himself – rather odd but highly amusing. “She’s looking really good in these skin tight leggings, knee high boots, and this off the shoulder top she made herself. I don’t like to stare but since everyone else was.”
“Gotcha. What were you wearing?”
“I had on my robes, freshly pressed …”
I cut him off. “Your robes?” I sighed. “Come on Luke. Play the part. Dress for where you are. You can’t expect to rock out with your cock out wearing your robes. This was your time to show you have style, some character, and a little flair. All you did was dress like you normally do. Even Yoda would say you have a lot to learn.”
“I did regret it immediately. You have no idea how heavy they are. The slow songs were no problem, but anything faster than a jig and I was weighed down.”
“Okay, so you danced with her.”
“Yeah. I apologised straight away when I told her I was a terrible dancer, but she said she loved the effort. And that I wasn’t lying.”
I could tell he was trying to say something else. “And??”
“And I slid my hand down her back so my two fingers rested on the top curve of her butt and she didn’t move my hand.”
“My man. Well played son.” I weighed up his scenario in my head. “So, why do you need my help?”
“Well, I haven’t spoken to her since. I texted, and she replied, but I’ve kind of left it hanging. What do I do?”
“Seems easy enough to me, Luke.” I stopped and grabbed my receipt book so I could figure out his bill. “Text her and ask if she’s busy. If she says ‘No’ tell her you’re going to call her. When she answers the phone, ask her on a date. Something casual. Make an effort. You should know something about this girl by now so you can use that in planning your date. Maybe she likes animals – take her to the zoo. Maybe she hates animals – take her to a slaughterhouse.”
“I know she likes art.”
“Okay, take her to a gallery. Is that display of bounty hunters frozen in Carbonite still showing at the Capital?” When he said ‘Yes’ I continued. “Take her there. Make a game out of it. See if she can guess the bounty hunter, or she can see if you can. Put a friendly wager on it. Play for drinks, or dessert, or if you’re feeling daring, play for kisses. Keep it light though. Whatever you do, don’t go on and on about blowing up the Death Star. Oh yeah, and avoid all that stuff about Leia. That shit’s just weird.”
I could hear him scribbling stuff down so I continued. “Make sure your place is clean too. Hide all your Jedi porn. Put something interesting to read on the table – not your lightsabre or Ben’s ashes.”
“Okay, I can do that. Anything else?”
“Yeah. Have Barry White queued up in the CD player – that dude is smooth in any universe. And please, leave the f*cking robes at home!”
This concludes a rather warped talk with Luke Skywalker. Not sure what possessed me to write this even with the prompt … Yup, I’m crazy.