My Interview with Darth Vader

My first interview with a fictitious character went so well I will be doing this frequently I think. Today’s interview is courtesy of a prompt provided by fellow blogger Kim. You can find her excellent blog here. If there’s anyone you want me to sit down with and find out about their potential other side or what they’ve been up to since retirement, just let me know. And now, for the interview.

His house is tucked away in the woods, but Seattle is still within an hour’s drive. I was expecting something grander, something that screamed “former most powerful person in all of the galaxy”, but its understated charm signalled a lady’s touch was involved at some point during the building and decorating process. The pastel walls, the large landscape photos in almost every room, and the flowered fabric on the lawn furniture outside. Hell, even the veranda screamed “Sound of Music” rather than “I can crush your windpipe just by thinking about it.” Somewhere along the line, Darth Vader had truly stepped away from the Dark Side. He pours me a cup of chamomile tea and sits opposite me in his large arm chair.

“Thank you for seeing me today, Lord Vader.” I smiled. “Do I call you Lord Vader?”

“Darth is fine.” His voice is even more menacing in person. “But my friends call me Big D.”

“Okay, Darth. I notice you can see Mount St Helens from here. Umm, isn’t that a bit creepy given what happened to you?”

I’m sure he’s smiling now, but you can’t tell through the metal helmet. “I see your point, but I believe it helped me become who I am today. I would not have needed this outfit had I not lost my legs and been nearly burnt alive, now would I? I’d probably be whiny little Anakin, a little bitch was how Boba Fett put it to me once. As much as people once feared me, they couldn’t stand whiny little Anakin.”

“I must admit, he was kind of annoying. Great taste in girls though.”

“Amidala! She did have a kind of Natalie Portman thing going on didn’t she? If you’re going to do the one and done thing with girls, might as well go for the crème de la crème.”

“I’d tap that.” I laughed. He glared. “Where’s the cape?”

“I don’t wear the cape indoors much anymore. At dinner parties of course, because you need to look your best, and when the Girl Guides stop by to sell cookies. ‘No’ sounds a lot meaner when a cape cascades out behind you. When I do the conferences and trade shows I always wear it. Bit uncomfortable to wear in the car or in economy class, but does make a nice blanket when the airlines run out.”

“I heard a rumour that your favourite movie is Pretty Woman? Is this true?”

“I wouldn’t say favourite, but it is definitely a film I will put in on a rainy Sunday. It has pretty much everything, doesn’t it? It’s funny, the characters are well developed and have great chemistry together. Plus who doesn’t love a happy ending?” He pauses. “But lately I’ve been enjoying the Marvel movies a great deal. Iron Man can fight beside me anytime he wants.”

“A man of your wealth and stature could have settled anywhere on Earth, so why the Seattle area?”

“The rain. I absolutely love the rain. You would think that I’d hate it, primarily being made out of metal these days, but I find that it soothes me like nothing else. I have a private masseuse, a big German lad named Gunter – he’s the only one I’ve been able to find that can actually work the kinks out – but the rain just eases everything else. Plus, I’ll let you in on a little secret here … this suit can get a little hot at times so the rain helps keep me cool.”

“You recently got into a little trouble with the law. Four district police departments sent units here and the military showed up. What was that about?”

“A not-so-typical typical Friday night.” His throaty chuckle unnerved me. “I host a regular poker game here. Me, Voldemort, Hannibal Lecter, and Sheila my neighbour’s 12 year old daughter are regulars. Bill Gates has stopped by before, so has George Lucas. We were honoured by Marc Price one night, you know, the guy who played Skippy on Family Ties. That was a great night. Anyways, this night was just me, V, Hannibal and Sheila, and she’s cleaning up. Nerves of steel in this little waif of a kid. It comes down to her and V, and he goes all in. She has more funds than he does so she doesn’t hesitate and calls him. He did not expect this and loses it. She just lifts her face from her cards and looks at him, ‘I think I’ll take this hand by a nose.’ Well I lose it. I’m waving my arms around like an octopus in an all you can grab seafood joint and the force just starts flowing. I’m sending things flying out the window, my car levitates, I manage to bring down one of my neighbour’s walls. There were sparks and explosions. It got pretty messy.”

“What happened to Sheila?”

“She cleaned up. Slid V over a couple of chips and told him to go to Party Land and buy one of those fake nose and moustache kits. Good times.”

“So what next for you?”

“I’ve been doing monthly gigs at a local comedy club. I quite enjoy that. I like being the clown you see. I don’t want people to look at me and be scared anymore. I want them to look at me and say ‘that guy is pretty damn funny’. My timing is a little off, but I’ve managed to incorporate a lot of my own life into my act. I tend to get a lot of laughs when I make fun of the engineers on the Death Star who decided to give it such an obvious weakness. I should have hired local people, rather than bring them in from other moons. Pay cheap, get cheap results I suppose. I also bring in my love of music into my show.”

“Love of music?”

“I find your lack of faith, disturbing!” I think his eyes were fixed on me. It’s hard to tell through the helmet. “Yes, I love music. Feel free to check out my playlist if you’d like.”

“I will do that.” I sipped more tea. “So, any music in particular?”

“I do like the classics, and a nice haunting instrumental number is pretty hard to beat. When I’m working out I tend to put on a lot of house or techno, or at the very minimum some Justin Timberlake to get the heartrate up.”

“Interesting. For some reason I never pictured you as a music guy.”

“A common misconception I’m afraid. I do have a sensitive side, but people seem to forget that. I blame George Lucas for that, and I’ve told him as much. If Return of the Jedi would have been the final aired, people would remember me saving Luke, my son. But it’s 34 years old now, and all they remember is the hate that drove me mad. It ruined my Plenty of Fish profile.”

“Speaking of Luke, do you see him much?”

“As often as our careers allow. He’s a good kid, I’m very proud of him, even with that hair of his. I don’t see Leia as much, of course, but she did send me several of the photos on display in my home. It took me a long time to shrug off the feeling that I was a deadbeat dad. I wasn’t there for the big moments. I could have shown Luke how to use his first lightsabre. I could have shown Leia how to wear knee-boots after spring. These are big things I missed out on. But I learned to stop blaming myself. Amidala didn’t want me around, didn’t want me to know. I’ve not fully forgiven her yet, even though I know her decision made sense all those years ago. I left her tickets for one of my shows but she never showed up. I guess I’m still the bad guy.”

“That’s awful, Darth. I never realised.”

“Of course you didn’t.” He lowered his head for a brief moment but then snapped it back upright. “But I have good news. Everyone likes a happy ending so let’s end with the good stuff, shall we?”

“Absolutely.”

“I’m going on the regional qualifiers for America’s Got Talent next month. I’m so excited. I’m going to be singing Thinking out Loud by Ed Sheeran. Have you heard it?” I nod. “I’m a crooner at heart and by trade. This world and all worlds need more crooners. I feel like a teenage girl getting asked to prom.”

With that I leave him, his vocal coach due over in a matter of minutes. He had been knocked down, nearly burnt alive, kept from his kids, and vilified for his role in trying to destroy the galaxy, but Darth was making a comeback. I reckon he’ll be big in Germany. Maybe not Hasselhoff big, but pretty damn big nonetheless.

 

10 thoughts on “My Interview with Darth Vader

  1. Lol. Great interview. You’ve brought to light Darth’s humanity, poor guy missing out on his kids’ upbringing and having to hide away his musical aspirations!! How unfairly we may have judged him 😀

  2. Excellent story Ger, I always knew there was a little human feeling, running through that hard, cold body. Who is next ,Frodo,Freddie,Hannibal, there are so many, all making good writing fodder.

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